Grieving!

I don't know if I am just the unusual one(which by the way would not surprise me), but has anyone else realized 14 years later that they have never let themselves grieve over a family member? I was going to ask this on Facebook, but I feel it is too personal. I was sitting out in the front yard yesterday in the early evening just watching the neighborhood and the sky and realized I had never let myself grieve over the loss of my dad. I know when I first heard from my oldest sister that I was just angry with him that he had shut us out for so long. But now I realize I was also caught up in my daily life of surviving my third marriage. I don't think I could totally absorb it. So I just kept on with my daily life one step at a time. I know it was the year Lisa graduated. I went up to Ghost Ranch the next year to try to be around the place that I most associated with my dad. Laura had been dating Pat for several months. They both went up with me so I didn't make the trip alone. I unfortunately wasn't able to accomplish what I hoped to at Ghost Ranch. After we left, we stopped at Abiquiu Dam. Poor Pat, that is when it hit me and all I felt was anger towards my Dad and I lashed out at Pat(quite unintentionally) because he was a man that was close by. I did apologize to Pat, but bless his heart he took it all in stride. To top it all off, I recently started a journal and I wrote quite a long entry last night in regards to my dad and I made the mistake of not saving it the correct way and I cannot find it.

Anyway, last night I did a lot of crying. For some reason while we were having a family car wash day yesterday, I started missing my dad. Last night while I was sitting outside(as I mentioned earlier) I realized that I had never let myself grieve over the loss of Dad. I know we went through a lot of tough times with him, but he really was a good person. We did have a lot of good times, along with the bad. My dad is the one that taught us girls to dance. He used to have Kathy and I stand on the toes of his shoes and dance us around. To this day I love to dance. Actually, I wish I could find a man that loved to dance. Well, I did a long time ago. Anthony enjoyed dancing with me, but he is gone also.

No matter what mistakes my dad made, I did love him a great deal. He was a very affectionate person. I do believe I got that from him because my mom wasn't. At any rate, I will post the same thing I said in my journal last night to him: "I love you Dad. I miss you a lot. Thank you for teaching me all the things that you did."