I don't know if I am just the unusual one(which by the way would not surprise me), but has anyone else realized 14 years later that they have never let themselves grieve over a family member? I was going to ask this on Facebook, but I feel it is too personal. I was sitting out in the front yard yesterday in the early evening just watching the neighborhood and the sky and realized I had never let myself grieve over the loss of my dad. I know when I first heard from my oldest sister that I was just angry with him that he had shut us out for so long. But now I realize I was also caught up in my daily life of surviving my third marriage. I don't think I could totally absorb it. So I just kept on with my daily life one step at a time. I know it was the year Lisa graduated. I went up to Ghost Ranch the next year to try to be around the place that I most associated with my dad. Laura had been dating Pat for several months. They both went up with me so I didn't make the trip alone. I unfortunately wasn't able to accomplish what I hoped to at Ghost Ranch. After we left, we stopped at Abiquiu Dam. Poor Pat, that is when it hit me and all I felt was anger towards my Dad and I lashed out at Pat(quite unintentionally) because he was a man that was close by. I did apologize to Pat, but bless his heart he took it all in stride. To top it all off, I recently started a journal and I wrote quite a long entry last night in regards to my dad and I made the mistake of not saving it the correct way and I cannot find it.
Anyway, last night I did a lot of crying. For some reason while we were having a family car wash day yesterday, I started missing my dad. Last night while I was sitting outside(as I mentioned earlier) I realized that I had never let myself grieve over the loss of Dad. I know we went through a lot of tough times with him, but he really was a good person. We did have a lot of good times, along with the bad. My dad is the one that taught us girls to dance. He used to have Kathy and I stand on the toes of his shoes and dance us around. To this day I love to dance. Actually, I wish I could find a man that loved to dance. Well, I did a long time ago. Anthony enjoyed dancing with me, but he is gone also.
No matter what mistakes my dad made, I did love him a great deal. He was a very affectionate person. I do believe I got that from him because my mom wasn't. At any rate, I will post the same thing I said in my journal last night to him: "I love you Dad. I miss you a lot. Thank you for teaching me all the things that you did."
9 comments:
Aunt Evie, I know I miss him from time to time as well. I don't always know if it's Papaw I miss or the desire to have a grandfather that did all the "things" I wanted. I do remind myself that reality is and fantasy isn't - Papaw was who he is and never could be what I fantasized. It still hurts, though, when I sit and tell stories and know that not only did he never even know my children, but neither did Grandma. The only real comfort I have is knowing that I have the choice to be different. It still hurts to miss him and Grandma and the relationship they chose to never have with me, but I do hope that I can learn and go down a differnt path. I know I see that already in you. I love the way you love your girls and your grandchildren. I am encouraged to know that as dysfuntional (and it was) the family was three generations ago, there is already such a wonderful positive change. I just want you to know I love you very much.
Cathy, I know how you feel. I have been down the path many a time wishing they could have been more the mom and dad I would have liked to have had and I wish Dad had gotten to know the girls better. But I realized quite a while ago, that I can't afford to let myself go there anymore. Dad really could be a lot of fun. I remember more good times with him than with Mom. But when Mom sent us all the letter a long time ago saying she felt she needed to be our friend and no longer our mother, I swore I would never do that. When the girls were in elem or jr hi I told them what she had done and I promised them I would never do that to them.
Thank you so much for sharing with me, I never realized you felt that way.
One of my goals is to make a trip to NM just to sit and visit with all of you and share. I am so glad to know that you see a change because I persoanlly have strived to be different. I can see how things have changed alot in our generation and yours. I truly am thankful.
Love you!
I would love a good visit with you the next time you're here. I'm thinking Scholtskys and a park - just like we used to do. I loved those times so much. You were a great aunt to have, and I really need to do more of that with my neices/nephews. I love you and appreciate who you are.
I am praying for you Aunt Evie, and you are always in my thoughts. :)
Much love, Sarah
Cathy - Thank you so much. Spending time with you and Norma doing things like that was really a lifesaver for me. I wasn't in a happy situation and it helped keep me going. I am glad I am your aunt and have always enjoyed it. I don't think I could have asked for better neices and nephews. You are all great! And you all have great kids of your own. I love all of you.
Sarah - Thank you! You are so sweet! I do regret not having been able to spend as much time with you and Rebecca as I did with your mom and Aunt Norma(not trying to leave the boys out-but I am talking about girl time.)Distance hasn't allowed for it though. My goal is to start making a trip to NM once a year again(like I did when Mom was alive)and spend a week just visiting with all of you).
Oh, that would be SO much fun!!! I hope you can do it. I would love to get to spend more time with you. Life is so short, we have to enjoy it while we can!
The information here is great. I will invite my friends here.
Thanks
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